Dave Ulrich
Rensis Likert Professor, University of Michigan, Partner The RBL Group
Wendy Ulrich
Founder, Sixteen Stones Center for Growth
Conflict happens.
Global conflicts result in violent attacks that put nations at war and threaten world order. We watch these events with increasing dismay, grieved over others’ catastrophic losses and worried about the world’s future.
National political conflicts, labor disputes, and disparaging media barbs reflect an increasingly contentious society. We also watch these events with increasing dismay as contempt dismantles respect, enmity disables empathy, and helplessness replaces hope.
Most of us have little direct influence on international conflicts or even high-level domestic disputes. Can we have any influence on world peace?
Yes.
By learning and practicing the skills of peacemaking within our personal and professional corners of the world, we can contribute in many small ways to creating the skills and values of peace (beginning in “my” world). While many thoughtful colleagues have worked on these issues, we want to offer ten specific skills and actions to make progress.
1. Appreciate that disagreement can be positive
C.S. Lewis pictured hell as a huge sprawling suburb where anyone can simply move away in an instant from anyone with whom they have conflict. The core of the city empties completely, leaving only a vast circle of disconnected beings still blaming their long-abandoned neighbors for their own sour loneliness.
By way of contrast, Wendy remembers as a newlywed being encouraged by a couple who observed that “every conflict we resolve is like a drop of glue that binds us together.” And Dave was recently touched and inspired to find his grandmother’s note to herself in a 1919 book:
“We should be eager to learn from people who disagree with us.”
Out of respectful dialogue can emerge new insights and innovations. Managing conflict with curiosity and compassion can strengthen relationships. Disagreeing without being disagreeable can promote progress.
2.recognize my intent
When I engage in conflict to gain personal power, amass resources, exercise control, and get others to do what I want, I limit progress and create resistance. When I use my power to empower others, distribute resources equitably, inspire and motivate, and help others get what they want, differences can become a forum for growth. We ask leaders we coach, “What are you trying to accomplish through your leadership role?” When self-interest is replaced by other-service, trust increases and creative solutions become more likely.
| Self Interest | Other Service |
|---|---|
| Gain personal power | Empower others |
| Amass resources | Distribute resources equitably |
| Command and control | Inspire and motivate |
| Get others to do what I want | Help others get what they value |
3. Seek common ground
In almost any conflict, the opposing parties will have some common values (like integrity, fairness, or helping people realize their potential) and some differences in what those values mean or their relative importance. Even when our top values conflict, we can find small, practical problems to solve as a start. A labor-management negotiation started with agreement on upgrading toilet facilities—building skills and trust to take on bigger differences. Starting with low-hanging fruit helps build trust and hope. (See Arthur Brooks’ book Love Your Enemy: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt.)
4. Listen to understand
Often conflict comes from not understanding the other person’s point of view or narrative. In one conflict about which of two plants to close, each side was asked to describe the other’s viewpoint as accurately as possible. Only when each side did this to the other’s satisfaction did they succeed in moving forward. Listening to understand requires respect of another’s position and replacing the deadly horsemen of relationships—contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling—with being calm, clear, curious, and compassionate. (See John M. Gottman’s work The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.)
5. Care about the other person
We are often asked, “How can I get along with this boss (or peer) I don’t agree with?” We start by encouraging the asker to consider, “What is the most benevolent explanation you can think of for the person’s behavior? When we pause to try to understand others, we more readily care about their feelings and want to support their success. And when they feel supported and cared about, they are more likely to be calm and listen in turn. Asking “How can I help you reach your goals?” communicates caring.
6. Run into problems at the appropriate time
Sometimes we need to take a step back, ponder options, put the conflict into context, think about what we really feel and want, or simply focus on more pressing priorities before tackling a serious problem. A husband and wife we know signal each other to “gear up” for an important conversation by asking kindly, “How open-minded are you feeling?” How might you signal to others on your team that you need to bring up something challenging or that you need a break from a tense conversation to calm down?
7. Apologize and forgive
In virtually any conflict, each side has valid grievances, and each side has made mistakes. Effective apologies acknowledge the mistake, take responsibility for harm done, express empathy, and include commitments to change. Genuine forgiveness means, in the words of comedienne Lili Tomlin, “. . . giving up hope of ever having a better past.” We cannot change the past, but we can change the story we tell ourselves about how to use past lessons to create a better future. When Dave apologized to a colleague with whom he had a long-term dispute, it was a renewing moment in their relationship.
8. Use words wisely
Be aware of the impact of your words on others, both in large public settings and in more private conversations that may become public. When someone uses words to attack you, try to remember that multiplying gibes or insults never leads to creative solutions. Instead, pause. Say what you’ve heard and what it triggers in you because of what you value and need. Then make a request that would help you. For example, “When I hear you say I’m an idiot, I feel defensive and scared that we’ll never solve this problem we both really care about solving. Would you be willing to tell me one thing I could do to help us both keep trying?” (See Marshall B. Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication.)
9. Be vulnerable and own your feelings
Many conflicts trigger internal conflicts between our values and our limitations. Let’s say I want to feel charitable but I also feel overloaded by others’ needs. (“I’m exhausted . . . but I really do want to help. . . . Maybe I’m not doing my share. . . . But I can’t keep this up without resentment.) Acknowledging our feelings with self-compassion (“I really want to help, and I’m running out of steam.”) may make us feel vulnerable, but seeing our limitations and imperfections with compassion helps us feel more compassion for others as well. Curiously, compassion helps us and others change more deeply and more quickly than shame (See Kristin Neff’s Self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.)'
10. Celebrate progress
We seek dramatic results in conflict, but success often happens one small, simple step at a time. “We have worked through a, b, and c, and that feels great! We did it! Pizza on me, and then let’s think about what’s next.” Resolving conflict is about a creative journey, not crossing a finish line.
While we observe global and national conflicts with increasing malaise and despair, we deeply trust that the skills of being a peacemaker can turn personal conflicts into opportunities for progress. The more we learn and practice peaceful skills in our personal spheres, the more we build peace in the world that starts small and ripples forth.
About the authors
Dave Ulrich has been ranked as the #1 management guru by Business Week, profiled by Fast Company as one of the world’s top 10 creative people in business, a top 5 coach in Forbes, and recognized on Thinkers50 as one of the world’s leading business thinkers, Dave Ulrich has a passion for ideas with impact. He has co authored over 30 books and published over 200 articles on leadership, organization, talent, and human resources. He has consulted with over half of the Fortune 200 and works with the youth in his church assignments.
Wendy Ulrich, holds a PhD in psychology and education from the University of Michigan, an MBA from UCLA, and a BA from Brigham Young University. Former president of the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists (AMCAP), Wendy is a licensed psychologist who practiced in Ann Arbor, Michigan, for almost 20 years. She is the founder of Sixteen Stones Center for Growth in Alpine, Utah, providing seminar-retreats on forgiveness, loss, spirituality, and personal growth for both lay individuals and mental health professionals.
Wendy is the author of six books at the intersection of psychology, spirituality, and healing: Forgiving Ourselves; Weakness is Not Sin; The Temple Experience; Habits of Happiness; Why of Work; and Let God Love You.