Creating a “No Losers” Mindset in Your Marriage

One of the biggest causes of marital breakdowns … and in business relationships … is the inability to resolve conflict effectively; and every married couple runs into conflict because … Conflict is inevitable … two people who are in love … want each other to think and feel the same way about things … how to deal with money … how to deal with children … free time … and more!

The problem is … too many of us have come to believe that conflict is a bad thing … and that we should avoid it at all costs … but that’s not true … nor is it healthy for your marriage …

The truth is … conflict is a sign of connectedness … it says we have a vital relationship here … Remember – we rarely have conflicts with people we do not know or like.

But the most important thing we need to know about conflict is that it does not have to be negative!  When we learn how to successfully resolve conflicts with our spouse … we discover new things about him or her that we didn’t know before (which is why we’re having the problem) … and that helps to deepen our intimacy.

To make conflict a productive force in our marriage we have to establish a “No Losers Policy.” 

If you are “one,” a house divided against itself can’t stand.  If you are a “team” … it is impossible for one member of a team to win while another member of that same team loses!  You either both win … or you both lose … but there should never be an “I win – You lose” mentality allowed your marriage!

You both “win” when you both feel good about and agree together on the solution to your problem.  Maybe one of you came up with the solution … that’s OK … as long as both of you willingly agree that it is the best solution … you have a win-win scenario!  What will break down any marriage is the “my way or the highway” mentality!

One Change That Can Bring Back Time

We’ve likely all heard the story…you know the one…”There was a college professor who once pulled out a large jar and asked his class, after putting some big rock in the jar, is the jar full?” If you haven’t heard it, do a quick search for “The professor and the jar story”.  Steven Covey relays it in his “First Things First” book as well.

I heard the story a long time ago (at least it feels that way), and I remember how it impacted me.  It made so much sense.  I kept trying to shove more in the jar, never really thinking about what my “big rocks” were.  The list I came up with felt pretty reasonable and important – God, family, self and work.  I’ve tried – and failed – and tried again to prioritize these in the order I had determined.

I wonder, though, is there another way to look at this?  What about different kinds of rocks?

I don’t think many would argue with the above four – maybe friends would be there for some, church for others.  Maybe the list would be longer or shorter, with more or less “big rocks”.  What I found, though, was that I couldn’t practically implement my “rocks” (that sounds weird…but I can’t seem to find a better way to say it).  After all, trying to be involved in what God was up to also included being a dad and a husband.  And I was pretty sure He wanted to be around me at work, too.

Could I put different rocks in the jar?

So I’ve tried one – “keep the Sabbath holy”.  For me, that’s Sunday.  Could I really not check e-mail?  Could I really have it just be a day of renewal?  And if I did, how would it force me to move other “rocks” around to make it fit?  So far, it is different around here.

How about you?  What one big rock should you try to put in the jar?  Can you find one that would push the other ones around in a way that gets you where God wants you to go?

I’ll let you know how it goes.  Let us know what “rocks” for you…

In the Wake of the PGA: 5 values of privately-held family business

I live up the road from Whistling Straits, the venue for the 2015 PGA Championship, won by Jason Day among some incredible golfing performances on one of golf’s most beautiful courses. My extended family was involved as staff and volunteers. Many of our friends walked alongside their favorite golfers, celebrating the locale and taking joy in the beauty of their home region getting national attention. Many of us kept the radio or television on from beginning to end. Herb Kohler of the Kohler Co., and the visionary behind the championship courses and the high-end tourism in my area, made a few television appearances. He epitomizes a privately-owned family business deep into its fourth generation of leadership. A legacy like this is rare, but not quite so rare among the businesses and industries that line the western shoreline of Lake Michigan. The Kohler legacy is a standout among many families in my part of the world that endeavor for:

1. A family legacy.

2. The long-term.

3. The well-being of employees and their families.

4. Civic engagement.

5. Land and facility stewardship

These values do not match well with much of the American business landscape. But consider the many companies that bolted into existence and disappeared with an eye on the short-term while these family-owned industries keep plugging along, changing more slowly and with a longer-term view in mind. Enron anyone? How about some investments in big box stores?

Family-owned businesses get it wrong all the time. They fail spectacularly too. However, if you care about these five values – values that can easily be anchored in Christian faith and living – then we might note that the best at demonstrating them come from multi-generation, family-owned, deeply-rooted businesses. Might this be because leaders are surrounded in a culture that they cannot escape, not even at the dinner table, not even when they go out to eat, and not even when the family reunion is passing out corn on the cob? Family members and friends might chafe at being swallowed up and not feeling like an individual, and yet, given time and the opportunity to learn how to lead, so often they return to bring that new generation of leadership with a freshened vision.

Companies like these are modern expressions of the Asaph’s prayer in Psalm 78:   

I will utter hidden things,

things from of old—

what we have heard and known,

what our fathers have told us.

We will not hide them from our children;

we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord,

his power and the wonders he has done…..

so the next generation will know them, even the children yet to be born

and they in turn will tell their children.

 If these five values call to you, deep in your bones, then get thyself to a Convene Team.

Practicing Convene Principles at Home

One of the most profound lessons I’ve learned from my involvement with Convene is the importance of spending time working on my “business” and not just investing time in the “business”. I need to pull my shoulder off of the grindstone to take a look at how and why I am doing what I am doing. That is such a simple idea … yet when I apply it … it transforms what I am grinding away at … and how I am spending my time. Being in the marriage and family building “business”, I’m amazed at how many of the principles we learn at our Convene Forum Days have direct application into our marriages. I have been trained as a theologian and counselor not a business leader. So, the whole concept of Managing by Key Indicators was new to me; and I struggled a while to articulate what needs to be done in order for me to be successful in what I do.

We’ve all learned that “You can’t manage what you don’t measure.” Going back to my notes these quotes jumped out to me:

“Know well the condition of your flocks, and pay attention to your herds. For riches are not forever; nor does a crown endure to all generations.” Prov. 27:23-24, NASB

Companies that fail - work hard - but on the wrong things! To help your business stay focused on the right things, create a set of simple Key Indicators, which allow you to quickly assess the health and direction of the organization.

Look at how these sound if we just change a few key words:

“Know well the condition of your spouse, and pay attention to your family. For riches are not forever; nor does a crown endure to all generations.” Prov. 27:23-24, NASB

Couples that fail - work hard - but on the wrong things! To help your marriage stay focused on the right things, create a set of simple Key Indicators, which allow you to quickly assess the health and direction of the relationship.

Have you ever thought about what the “Key indicators” might be for your marriage and family life? Here’s a list Karen and I came up with to help us see how well we’re doing:

• We’re communicating on a rapport (emotional) versus report (fact) level?

• We’re making regular spiritual connections?

• We’re making regular physical connections?

• We resolve our conflicts / issues quickly?

• We’re an effective parenting team?

• We enjoy “alone time” together?

• We are serving the Lord together?

Why don’t you schedule a family business meeting with your spouse and agree on a set of KPI’s for your marriage this week?

Marriage & Business: Hiking the High Wire over Niagara Falls

Tony got married seven years ago--in the midst of building his precision- tool company; and started off by making three mistakes.  Here they are: One, after a romantic wedding in Greece, he whisked his bride off to a honeymoon at a machine-tool trade show in Germany.

Two:  During the early years of his marriage he plowed every penny of profits back into his business-putting all of the financial burden on his wife; who was also trying to raise their first child.   and …

Three: … this one's the real biggie. "I underestimated how much time the business was going to take away from my family," Tony says. "I was literally never home.  Our marriage almost didn't survive.  I got to the point where I had to say to her, 'I'll do anything.  Just please don't leave.' "

It goes without saying that building a successful business and a happy marriage at the same time is not easy … in fact some say it is the impossible dream.  Henry Landes, founder of the Delaware Valley Family Business Center says:  "It's like walking the high wire over Niagara Falls.  It takes a lot of skill, and you can fall off easily.,"

A marriage in which the business is the biggest baby, counselor Landes says, "has to be a stronger marriage than most.  It needs better communication skills, better conflict-resolution skills, better specific planning skills, and a lot more resilience."

The good news is that despite the many pitfalls, plenty of entrepreneurial couples are meeting that challenge.  In fact research suggests that the shared struggle of creating a company together can make a good marriage even better.

Data shows that there's no evidence that the divorce rate among business owners is any higher than average.  According to a recent survey by the investment advisory firm Neuberger Berman, 42% of CEOs of fast-growing startups say that running their own companies has had a positive effect on their relationships with spouses.  That is significantly higher than the 32% who said business ownership had caused trouble on the home front.

So let’s take some time to ask some important questions:

What were some of the mistakes you made in building your business that had a negative impact on your marriage?  How did you correct them, or are you still making them?

How have you transferred the attitudes and skills that make you successful in business into your home life?

And just for fun … using our Convene vernacular … what are the Key Performance Indicators that you have set for your marriage?  How will you measure them?  Who’s holding you accountable to do so?

Our aspiration is to take our companies from good to great … let’s set that same goal for our marriage and home lives.

Matthew 16:26:  What does it profit a man to gain the whole world … if he loses his soul?