Marriage & Business: Hiking the High Wire over Niagara Falls

Tony got married seven years ago--in the midst of building his precision- tool company; and started off by making three mistakes.  Here they are: One, after a romantic wedding in Greece, he whisked his bride off to a honeymoon at a machine-tool trade show in Germany.

Two:  During the early years of his marriage he plowed every penny of profits back into his business-putting all of the financial burden on his wife; who was also trying to raise their first child.   and …

Three: … this one's the real biggie. "I underestimated how much time the business was going to take away from my family," Tony says. "I was literally never home.  Our marriage almost didn't survive.  I got to the point where I had to say to her, 'I'll do anything.  Just please don't leave.' "

It goes without saying that building a successful business and a happy marriage at the same time is not easy … in fact some say it is the impossible dream.  Henry Landes, founder of the Delaware Valley Family Business Center says:  "It's like walking the high wire over Niagara Falls.  It takes a lot of skill, and you can fall off easily.,"

A marriage in which the business is the biggest baby, counselor Landes says, "has to be a stronger marriage than most.  It needs better communication skills, better conflict-resolution skills, better specific planning skills, and a lot more resilience."

The good news is that despite the many pitfalls, plenty of entrepreneurial couples are meeting that challenge.  In fact research suggests that the shared struggle of creating a company together can make a good marriage even better.

Data shows that there's no evidence that the divorce rate among business owners is any higher than average.  According to a recent survey by the investment advisory firm Neuberger Berman, 42% of CEOs of fast-growing startups say that running their own companies has had a positive effect on their relationships with spouses.  That is significantly higher than the 32% who said business ownership had caused trouble on the home front.

So let’s take some time to ask some important questions:

What were some of the mistakes you made in building your business that had a negative impact on your marriage?  How did you correct them, or are you still making them?

How have you transferred the attitudes and skills that make you successful in business into your home life?

And just for fun … using our Convene vernacular … what are the Key Performance Indicators that you have set for your marriage?  How will you measure them?  Who’s holding you accountable to do so?

Our aspiration is to take our companies from good to great … let’s set that same goal for our marriage and home lives.

Matthew 16:26:  What does it profit a man to gain the whole world … if he loses his soul?

Passing Backwards

I coached each of my kids’ soccer teams from about ages 5 to 12. As the kids got older, we shifted from simple skill development to learning positions and strategies. But one concept that I never could get across was the value of passing the ball back. You see, when a soccer team is moving down the field on offense, sometimes their best move is to pass the ball back to a teammate who can redirect the flow of the attack. For kids, it’s counterintuitive to purposefully kick the ball in the opposite direction from the goal. But doing so is often exactly what a team needs in order to improve its chances of scoring.

Sometimes the best move that a leader can make is to pass the ball backwards. This is often just as counterintuitive for the leader as for a 10-year old soccer player. Here are three reasons why soccer players pass back, and why you should consider it as well:

• You pass back when you’ve encountered opposition. It’s better to pass back and lose a few yards than to lose the ball completely. As a leader, you may be able to press forward in the face of difficulties, but at what cost?

• The person receiving your pass can see the field much better. Since this teammate isn’t surrounded by defenders, he or she has a clearer perspective. In the same way, you need colleagues who can offer a different point of view.

• Redirection may yield better results. Passing the ball back isn’t a retreat – it’s a chance to shift the offense’s attack. You may also need to try a different approach to accomplish your ultimate goal.

If you feel like you’re running into a brick wall with your current efforts, is it time to pass the ball backwards?

Windows & Mirrors

What are you looking at … windows or mirrors? What does your heart contain?

In his book “Good to Great,” author Jim Collins shares that one of the factors that contributes to achieving “greatness” is what leaders choose to look through when things happen. Leaders of great organizations look out the “window” when things go well to credit others for success, and look in the “mirror” to take responsibility when things are not going well. Ineffective leaders choose the opposite: they find someone or something to blame for the lack of success and credit themselves when things are successful.

A recent example of this is Pete Carroll, the head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, who looked in the mirror and took full responsibility for what many call the dumbest play ever in a Super Bowl — i.e., throwing a pass at the one yard line that was interecepted. Pete could have easily looked out the window and blamed the offensive coordinator, quarterback, receiver, or team.

Windows & mirrors also apply to our hearts. John the Baptist understood this when he encountered Christ. John simply stated, “He must increase; I must decrease.” (John 3:30). Often we seek only ourselves in our vocation, our work, our relationships, our life. We look in the mirror and choose to offer our services only when the work to be done brings us honor or enhances our self-importance or standing. Our hearts are mirrors reflecting self-centered motivations, focusing on increasing me. Yet we are called to humility — to look out the window to others — so that are hearts open up to be like Jesus, centered on humble service, loving others, and enabling them to increase.

In our hearts, a window instead of the mirror forces us to look at “what’s possible” and to focus on others. Mirrors weaken our mission and impact; windows empower it.

Power, Position, Prestige …or a Life Well Spent ?

What do you imagine your ‘last words’ might be if it turns out that folks can gather in & listen to you? Here are a few last words from recognizable people.  

“I'm bored with it all.” (Before slipping into a coma. He died 9 days later.) ~~ Winston Churchill, statesman, d. January 24, 1965

“How were the circus receipts in Madison Square Gardens?” ~~ P. T. Barnum, Circus Promoter, d. 1891

“All my possessions for a moment of time.” ~~ Queen Elizabeth I, Queen of England, d. 1603

“Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.” (Luke 23:46) ~~ Jesus Christ

Malcolm Forbes life emphasized the Epicurean philosophy, “Eat, drink, and be merry – for tomorrow we may die.” He was famous for denying himself nothing that money could buy. Malcolm threw himself a birthday party for his eightieth birthday that cost $1,000,000. He flew two or three hundred of his closest friends to Tangier in a chartered 747. He knew, and was known by, every important person in the world of politics and finance. He built one of the world’s great fortunes as one of its foremost publishers. It seems that Mr. Forbes philosophy of life would be that we should strive to see, taste, hear, experience, or possess as much of the world’s various valued faire as possible before the time to depart it comes.

Actually the bible king named Solomon was richer than Malcolm Forbes. Solomon once said,

“I also tried to find meaning by building huge homes for myself and by planting beautiful vineyards. I made gardens and parks, filling them with all kinds of fruit trees. I built reservoirs to collect the water to irrigate my many flourishing groves. I bought slaves, both men and women, and others were born into my household. I also owned great herds and flocks, more than any of the kings who lived in Jerusalem before me. I collected great sums of silver and gold, the treasure of many kings and provinces. I hired wonderful singers, both men and women, and had many beautiful concubines. I had everything a man could desire! So I became greater than any of the kings who ruled in Jerusalem before me. And with it all, I remained clear-eyed so that I could evaluate all these things. Anything I wanted, I took. I did not restrain myself from any joy. I even found great pleasure in hard work, an additional reward for all my labors.” Ecclesiastes 2:4-11

You may come to the end of your life’s journey with a large amount of wealth or you may be honored by your peers for your accomplishments. But what do you suppose it might all mean to you as you face death? Do you suppose that you might hold a stock portfolio to your chest and gain comfort by looking at the number of shares on the certificate? The house that you own, the backyard renovation, the new carpet or the car…none of which you’ll ever see again… how much will they mean then? Probably not much at all.

As you slip across the threshold into the arms of God, they’ll mean even less…actually nothing at all unless they were used for kingdom purposes.

The Apostle Paul had it all, the social status, the recognition, the power even to throw his enemies into jail. He was respected by the existing religious authorities of his day, he was an ‘up and comer’, “of the stock of Israel, a member of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews, a Pharisee.” He said all of those status symbols, the power, prestige, position type things, became “rubbish” to him when he met Jesus Christ.

What in the world would make him change his mind about things like that? Why would he give up the power and access to affluence? Paul believed that there are things that are even more important than power, position and prestige. He believed hook, line and sinker in eternal things. He knew that, “You CANNOT serve both God and money.”

How about you and me? We know what we admire most by looking at what we’re striving for or who we are trying to be most like. When Saul of Tarsus met Jesus Christ, he either gradually or immediately, stopped pursuing the status and values of this world. He, either slowly or immediately, began to pursue only those things that would promote and proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ. To him life became, “forgetting those things that are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Jesus Christ.”

You and I have only so many assets to invest. Our assets are the amount of time we have left, the money that we control, the relationships we have, and the package of gifts and talents that God has given us. Combined these equal our opportunity to promote and proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ in the context of the life He has called us to lead. Investing our assets to promote and proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and to earn the rewards provided by our Father in Heaven for the faithful and obedient use of the opportunity He gives us, is the only real reason we are still here on earth. God, by His sovereign choice, has chosen to use flawed and foolish people like you and me to work through and to demonstrate and announce His Kingdom. He does the work, but through us.

Paul of Tarsus and others, through the testimony of their lives, give us examples of wise men who made wise investments that last for eternity and bring eternal rewards. How about you? Have you invested well on earth so that your dying words will reflect the world view of your leader Jesus Christ?

The gospel of Starbucks, given to you

A couple weeks ago, I lost my Gold level status at Starbucks after having it for three or four years. The reason? I did not perform as required to keep my status as an elite member. All at once, I was slightly depressed that I would no longer enjoy the benefits of membership, and extremely determined to regain my status as quickly as possible.

For those of you that need a refresher course on how to qualify for Starbucks Gold Level, here are the rules, taken directly from their website (1 Star = 1 transaction. 30 purchases to get 30 stars):

“Collect 30 Stars within 12 months and step up to the Gold level for one year. Once you’re at Gold level it takes another 30 Stars to maintain Gold level for another 12 months. If you don’t qualify for the Gold level again by your anniversary date (i.e. the date you qualified for the Gold level), you’ll revert to the Green level and lose all your Stars. Don’t let that happen!”

Perform, and we will reward you. Stop performing, and you won’t be part of the club.Those are the rules of engagement. When I first reached Gold, I was elated. They really did make me feel special and prideful by sending a shiny and thick gold card in the mail. But interestingly, with the elation also came anxiety. Now I had to keep proving that I was loyal to them, or else my status would disappear. 30 stars between now and the next 12 months or I’m out. I lose it all.

And that is the case with most reward programs. Get 8 stamps on your punch card at Golden Spoon and they’ll give you a free 8 oz. Yogurt. Keep your savings above a minimum balance with Wells Fargo, and they won’t fee you. Pay $80 a year to Amazon and they’ll put you in the Amazon Prime club.

But here’s what happens with me:

I collected stamps on my Golden Spoon punch card over the course of about five years—yes, five years—until it was brown on the edges and worn like old leather. When I finally reached eight stamps, I happily went in for my free yogurt, ordered it, and then showed them the card…

“We don’t accept those anymore,” she said.

I frowned and tilted my head, “You don’t accept them anymore? I’ve been working at this for five years! What do you mean you don’t accept them anymore?” She didn’t budge. I paid with debit, and on the way out, I threw my punch card in the trash.

With Wells Fargo, I sometimes go below the minimum balance or make too many transfers in a month. Since they have a system of laws and regulations, they fee me.

I bought Amazon Prime when I was a student, hungry for books, and the fast, free shipping was great. But as soon as I graduated, I couldn’t justify the $80. So they took me off the list.

We’re human. We fluctuate in performance. But reward programs are based on your consistency and loyalty.

Let me switch gears here for a quick moment and relate these experiences to another experience. It may or may not resonate with you, but that’s OK.

Unfortunately, over time I’ve seen this “reward program” mentality seep into the way I think about my relationship with God. If I just keep showing up for my time with God at least five days a week, and make a transaction every time, God will keep my Gold level status. If I keep my prayer time at a minimum balance of 15 minutes a day, God won’t fee me. If I show my loyalty by getting eight stamps on my quiet time punch card, maybe on the ninth time, something amazing will be given to me.

None of these are true, of course, but lies like these find out how to seep into the way we think about our relationship with Him.

Thankfully, God does not have a secret club of those who have paid their dues. His words to everyone are “Come to me, and I will give you rest.” His mode of operation is grace upon grace upon grace for those who confess and believe. His call is to follow him, not to appease a system of rules and regulations.

You have a choice: exhaustion through believing the false gospel of performance and earning your own way in. Or replenished life through believing the gospel of Jesus Christ, his death and resurrection. He has performed all of the necessary work for you and he himself is the way in.

This is my body, given for you.

This is my blood, poured out to purchase back your souls.